Many topics can be hard to handle with young children. Anger is one of these tender subjects as Bonnie Harris explained in our last post from her Newsletter. Here is a question from a reader and Bonnie’s response on how to deal with anger and tantrums.
Q. My 6 year old son is going through a difficult phase of feeling angry with the world and in particular me. I have a hard time dealing with his tantrums and get infuriated when he is manipulating me. This morning he seemed particularly fed up and first thing I heard moaning coming from his room. It transpired that he had “fallen” out of bed landing on his duvet (interesting) and hurting his feet to the extent that he was unable to walk without dragging himself snake like through the house. I reassured him, poor you etc. and by breakfast all was sorted. But I feel this is indicative of the way he feels about himself: chronically low self-esteem. He often says things like “Now no one likes me” after a tantrum.
A. I don’t think you need to worry that this behavior indicates low self-esteem. His attention-getting behavior is for just that-getting your attention. My guess is that he wanted you to interact with him so he could be with you while getting out of bed and dressed. Many children use any ploy they can to get us to help when they have to do something they don’t want. If it infuriates you, then your reaction will be negative and that why he is angry with you. Perhaps you need to adjust some expectations so that you actually expect that he will want to get you involved. Then when he does, it won’t feel so much like manipulation. You will know that that is normal – annoying perhaps, but much less enraging. His claim that no one likes him after he has had a tantrum indicates that the reactions he encounters to his tantrums gives him that message. To help him feel stronger and more loved, you will need to have more understanding for the problem (whatever it is) that he is having that is causing the tantrum. If you think it is trivial (which it may be to you) or misguided or you are out of patience, then you will be angry about it. That anger translates to him as ‘you don’t like him.’
